My kid turned two not too long ago. Yay, inexorable march of progress! Boo, disappearance of delicious fat baby ankles! Don’t get me wrong, two whomps the shit out of infancy in several regards; words, for instance. Words are pretty great. I find it much easier to deal with, “String cheese pwease!” and, “I gots a poo!” than 4 aggregate hours of agonized shrieking. She tells jokes and sings songs and recites like 40% of Fox In Socks from memory. She’s super friendly to strangers and animals, and wants to give the whole world a hug. She’s a goddamn delight much of the time, is what I’m saying.
But. She is also capable of making the absolute worst sounds I’ve ever heard. Once she screamed in my face so loud that I’m pretty sure I shat out my own eardrums the next day. When she hears the word NO —- or any variation on the word NO, like NOT RIGHT NOW or MAYBE LATER or WE’LL SEE or pretty much anything other than WHATEVER YOU LIKE, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME POCKY AND A JUICE BOX WITH THAT? —- she immediately erupts into a squirming geyser of rage: drops to her knees, pulls her hair out, claws at the air, all while screaming like a drowning antelope being eaten by a garbage disposal. We call this “The Full Shatner”.
Once I thwarted some nefarious deed of hers and she shook her tiny fists at me while shouting, “Sucks! SUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!” at the unfeeling sky, and I laughed so hard I started crying. I think it may have freaked her out a bit, because she’s never said it again. Now we usually get a standard WHYYYYY or the ever-popular NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, which I usually respond to with something like, “Aw, whatsamatta Batman, did the Joker get away again?” (Please note: I am a dick.)
To sum up: two years old is no joke, son. Honestly, everyone should be happy my outlet is drawing pictures, and not posting photos of tantrums and diaper explosions on Facebook.